life's little curveballs | elvenlady's Blog

sometimes you meet someone you can finally talk to, a very good friend, make a connection like it rarely happens.  someone you could easily see as what you need right now to get over all of life's obstacles, someone who listens and understands, someone you instantly are comfortable and able to open up to...Someone who is finally good for your soul even if you will probably never meet in real life.

but not only are you married and have gone through experiences that left you damaged to the point where you can no longer do certain things or even allow yourself to just be okay with it.  And they have their own situation but that puts a few things in perspective. 

I confess that if i had met this man so many years ago i would not be where i am today, i would not.  i would miss all the good i've done here and perhaps i would have turned out so very different but i would not be damaged as i am now.

he is the reason i could breathe today, the reason stress left me enough that i got through the day.  i needed that oh so very much.  but the things he needs from me are not things i can now offer to him and it hurts so very bitterly.  because of who i am, because of the situations we are both in and because i am damaged in some unseen ways.

he began to compare it to something and i corrected it somewhat but it's like this:

fighting a a storm and other impossible odds to get to the store only to find that there is only one of the item you were looking for, except that it's chipped and you are left to decide if you will accept it as it is (damaged), try to repair it even though you might not be able to, or decide to leave it and do without.

so i find myself in tears right now because life is oh so very complicated and i know what anyone else would do but i'm not anyone else and i can't do that.  so i left it up to him, am leaving it up to him.  i cannot make the choice for him and i cannot take down boundaries that i need to be in place for me to survive, selfish as they may seem.

and so tonight i find myself on the edge of a deep precipice and i hope that tomorrow it all seems just a little brighter.  because that friendship, that comfort, that unexpected but oh so welcomed bond is something i need too.  i've needed it for so very very long.

edit:  someone who feels the very same about me as this being deeper than a regular friendship or seems to

edit again:  please don't think it devalues any of the friendships i have with anyone else.  they are all special in their own ways and you are all important to me.  this is just... something i knew i needed but didn't know just how much i needed it until i met this person... i can't explain on here just how different this is, it just is.  

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