sometimes you meet someone you can finally talk to, a very good friend, make a connection like it rarely happens. someone you could easily see as what you need right now to get over all of life's obstacles, someone who listens and understands, someone you instantly are comfortable and able to open up to...Someone who is finally good for your soul even if you will probably never meet in real life.
but not only are you married and have gone through experiences that left you damaged to the point where you can no longer do certain things or even allow yourself to just be okay with it. And they have their own situation but that puts a few things in perspective.
I confess that if i had met this man so many years ago i would not be where i am today, i would not. i would miss all the good i've done here and perhaps i would have turned out so very different but i would not be damaged as i am now.
he is the reason i could breathe today, the reason stress left me enough that i got through the day. i needed that oh so very much. but the things he needs from me are not things i can now offer to him and it hurts so very bitterly. because of who i am, because of the situations we are both in and because i am damaged in some unseen ways.
he began to compare it to something and i corrected it somewhat but it's like this:
fighting a a storm and other impossible odds to get to the store only to find that there is only one of the item you were looking for, except that it's chipped and you are left to decide if you will accept it as it is (damaged), try to repair it even though you might not be able to, or decide to leave it and do without.
so i find myself in tears right now because life is oh so very complicated and i know what anyone else would do but i'm not anyone else and i can't do that. so i left it up to him, am leaving it up to him. i cannot make the choice for him and i cannot take down boundaries that i need to be in place for me to survive, selfish as they may seem.
and so tonight i find myself on the edge of a deep precipice and i hope that tomorrow it all seems just a little brighter. because that friendship, that comfort, that unexpected but oh so welcomed bond is something i need too. i've needed it for so very very long.
edit: someone who feels the very same about me as this being deeper than a regular friendship or seems to
edit again: please don't think it devalues any of the friendships i have with anyone else. they are all special in their own ways and you are all important to me. this is just... something i knew i needed but didn't know just how much i needed it until i met this person... i can't explain on here just how different this is, it just is.
stress, pain, and a lot of negativity don't mix...
son's not doing well with school this year, last year's teacher, well... not good... this year he thinks it's okay to start acting like his father and it all but killed me to find out.
i got really sick at the end of september, sinus infection that, with all the stress and negativity since last year and worst this year it dropped to my lungs. i've been struggling to breathe on and off, with days i can barely get out of bed. everything is a struggle right now and evertime i make progress, something happens and i relapse
i'm not complaining but i miss being able to breathe and do the stuff i used to do.
i've had to put aside a lot of things to focus on trying to get my son back on track and get this illness beat. i know i'll be okay eventually, this is just a result of all the bad stuff. i need to focus on good things right now and things that make me happy. life is telling me it won't begrudge my being selfish a little if it means i can deal with stuff and be well enough to deal with everything the way i used to. i know with enough effort i can get at least some results.
in any case i started trying to get online work experience. i may not be able to work now, but at some point i will. so no wasting what time i have now.
my guess is anxiety attacks fits the bill, the doctors think that's what i have now.. just can't deal with this, i thought i was strong enough to keep going but i need something else to get me through.
so this is longer than it should, my time is up this morning and i have to get going. hopefully i stop by again soon. i miss EP.
so I'm dealing with my son who refuses to cooperate tonight (seeing more and more bad behavior and I doubt it's all due to him turning 13 in approx a month or two... and plenty to do with stuff going on at school we know little to nothing about)
and my husband, who might I add has gone through a lot of trouble to never be home from day 1 of the marriage and never be a husband or father unless he wanted something or it suited his ego, butts in, makes sure to send the msg that my son should both disrespect me and not do as I ask, and stirs up hell so he can swoop in and 'save the day' by indulging the bad behavior and rewarding it.
and causing a huge fight, that he kept up all evening until I just wanted to give up and quit this whole mess...
until I feel I can't handle tomorrow morning's meeting with the school (well, approx 8 hours from now so I guess it's today) and say something about not wanting to go (because I'll either strangle people or cry uncontrollably from all the sh*t from both him and the school staff because I'm falling apart at the seams from all of it...i.e. i'm crying right now, was crying earlier, hung out in a chat and ppl made me smile so that helped some but now I'm crying again so I came to unload some of this)
and he knows he can't handle the school at all and refuses to go deal with them (although he just spent the entire evening acting like "I don't need you, I can handle everything better than you can" even though he's been avoiding all responsibilities in this marriage from day 1) and tries to blackmail me into going because he'll "start telling everyone I don't care about my son".
This just a few weeks after my son told me I care TOO MUCH for stepping in when he was being bullied D:
but then husband complains that I have to have things my way and only my way (no I've been working my butt off to make a marriage work all by myself and raise a son as best I can, putting everyone else before me for 12 years! I'm efficient and he's not around so what the heck kind of choice did I have these 12 years but to do things my way?!?!?)... but where the H*** was he in the beginning of the marriage when I was willing to discuss things and work with him?!? Not there,not in the evenings, not on days off, not on the weekends... he ran, he avoided all responsibility. He was ok with it then but not now?!? He was ok with being absent until our son was mostly raised and now wants in but instead of easing in and making compromises or even discussing things he's like a bull in a china shop, undoing all I've done and then telling me I'm the one pushing him out of being a dad... WTF?!?
and then because he can't handle this meeting he is trying to bully me and blackmail me into going and doing all the crappy hard work... WHY?!? so he can then claim he did it all and I don't care...
But I have to face this meeting when I'm already pissed off and stressed while he sits there like a lump and the only thing he does is hinder me in my efforts to get results from the school :(
I do feel like quitting... I fell like giving up
but, you know... I stuck this sh*t out for 12 years and I'm going to get through this damned meeting, tired and stressed and barely holding on to my temper anyway.
and when i get home i'm going to fall apart for a while... because there's only so much one person can take before they break...
but the school is going to comply if it's the last thing I do (or the last thing I do with any dignity left at all)
12 years of doing what I'm supposed to as a mom and beyond...
12 years with an ungrateful rotten selfish bully of a husband who could care less what anyone else wants but himself
12 years of giving him the time of day while he runs off to God knows where while I worry myself sick about him but really shouldn't
and this is what I get for it... loyalty, devotion, love and respect to a man who didn't deserve any of it and still doesn't (less now than ever, if you ask me)
this year he's feeling it because those things I was giving him, that he doesn't deserve, are failing.... I can't do it anymore... he's never respected me and so I stopped respecting him, he was never loyal or devoted to me and now I don't have anymore to give him.
love... love died too.
you can only be betrayed and bullied and used so many times by someone you love before that love just dies...
how did i ever find the strength to go 12 years like this? Where did it come from? I dunno but it's almost all gone now.
I tried my hardest to ignore him this evening before he finally went to bed... but it still ended up making me angry and making me cry.
someone told me earlier that their day was boring... I would trade all of this drama for boring any day!
I curse whatever it is in me that's keeping me from walking out that door right now and not look back...
after all, he thinks he can handle it better than I can, right? That'd teach him... but I'm not willing to make my son the guinea pig of that experiment... so i guess what's keeping me here is my motherly instinct, that of protecting my son and wanting something better for him... but if he picks up too many of his father's traits and habits (he's lying more and more and avoiding issues more and more while not behaving at school)
then I might not be able to do anything anymore... except pray for him from afar... and if it comes to that then I guess there'll be nothing holding me here anymore...
and in 12 years the 'other adult', and I say that term loosely, never learned that life isn't some stupid little game where you get to manipulate others to get your way... all while claiming I demand things be my way... except he wasn't there to have his way heard or even considered... so what now?
WOW... JUST WOW this morning....
this is what I have to deal with on a nearly constant basis, BTW...
so we're about to go wait for the bus and I check kiddo's backpack (that I didn't bother with yesterday) and find one of his toys in it, in plain sight).
kiddo vehemently denies putting it there
so now I have 3 options...
1 kiddo is lying to me this morning (after telling me the truth all yesterday when he would have been seriously more grounded than today's incident...)
2 kiddo slept-walked and put it in his backpack but doesn't remember (it's a possibility, but a weak one as he has NEVER done more than look for us and babble in his sleep)
3 daddy is trying to get back at kiddo for telling on him about lying to me (YES, he IS that childish)
4 there is a ghost in the house that makes (A LOT OF) things happen and NO ONE knows how it happened (pfffffttttt!!!)
so I'm just going to let this one go because it's beyond me... but...
this reminds me of the time I confronted my husband about an issue and went to bed leaving him alone in the living room (our son was already in bed), earlier this year, and woke up to find two of my hand made paintings broken and one of my hand-painted papercraft cut (it was obvious it was done with scissors)... and my husband tried to accuse my son (who was asleep in his own bed before i left the living room and didn't wake up until after i got up and found the damage...) and then later he tried to accuse me (like I WANT this crap or any of those fights and would go to the extent of destroying a one of a kind item I worked so damn hard on in the first place!! I was proud of my work on all 3 items and wanted to post them online!!! I never got the chance to :(
but my husband denies doing it...
there's something seriously wrong with that man... even if he really doesn't remember doing this!
I need to find someone who will loan me a tiny hidden camera... you know? (or one for every room in this appartment... (4 rooms, excluding the bathroom)
isn't it nice to know that my husband is trying to teach my son that it's okay to lie to me, even by omission when I spent the past 12 years teaching him that he would be in less trouble if he came clean and told me the truth... my son learned to tell me the truth and so I learned his father told him to lie to me... NICE...
12 years of causing trouble in the marriage through lies and the 38 year old learned NOTHING while the 12 year old learned proper behavior!!!
needless to say kiddo is NOT getting punished for this, in fact I have to reward him for telling me the truth despite worrying about consequences of being punished, and will gladly do so.
The 38 y.o. got told, in no uncertain terms, how bad it was to try and teach kiddo to lie, and that, after 12 years of hurting me with lies and screwing up the marriage, he should have known better...
I am neither amused nor impressed
last time i was on here my husband was being a big jerk... I think he's been off his meds again... not hard to figure out, that's when he has male pms...
i spent most of the week and weekends trying to avoid him after that but it;s like he's doing things on purpose to cause fights. Like he's turned completely evil. I didn't believe in "just evil" when it came to ppl but with him off his meds, now i do.I've seen no remorse, no acknowledgement of guilt or anything "good" in his eyes, his face or his behavior during those times. It's like he's doing this to spur me... and then he grins about it and if I point out he finds it funny or grins he denies grinning and says it's all in my head... but it's not.
He doesn't act like this in public. in fact he bends over backwards not to act like this in public and I just don't get what the heck he's playing at.
I was ready to leave him and be done with everything and just forget this life of pain and misery... except I'd be leaving my son in it...
And then Friday we learned out son's being bullied on the bus again. The bus driver, there's no way she doesn't know what happened, he was sitting right behind her... well, long story short the kid assaulted him and stole a t-shirt out of his backpack... but the school says "no witnesses, driver saw/heard nothing so it didn't happen".
so yeah, I'm fed up with it but fighting back anyway. This time I have an advocate behind me to tell me how to get things done and what to remind them about what they're supposed to do. I wrote a 3 page letter tot he board of education about what happened and what I expect them to do.
I hate to say this but if they do nothing it'll be the media they'll have to deal with. I'm done with all their stupid lies and attempts to cover up what happened. When the driver contradicts her own story as she's telling it, that spells out suspicious and refusal to tell us what you know. Seriously, they couldn't make an idiot believe that the incident never happened and I'm going to get to the bottom of this.
I get up and he starts following me around like a lost puppy, which annoys me into telling him off... and explaining to him that he always waits until I'm in the kitchen to go there and make himself something to eat... like he can't see he'll be in my way (specially since he was up long before me).
After that he goes in the living room... when I go to sit there with my food (we don't have a kitchen table for the new place yet... the old one was too big...) he proceeds to apologize because he was going to give me a smart-alecky answer (which has been all his answers of at least the past 7 years, mind you)...
I have to admit that I really no longer care about him only starting now to apologize about 12 years of lies, and so many of those having nothing but smart-alecky answers.
I really don't love him anymore... so he can apologize all he wants... better late than never? not this time.
He can change all he wants, the damage is done and I don't think I can ever go back to how things were now that I know it was all a big fat lie :/
I've been sick all weekend.
My son had a dry cough and a fever.
I caught it, or rather it caught me... and hit me harder.
I have had cough with phlem, fever, chills, aches, dizziness, lungs on fire with difficulty breathing.
Plus my time of the month decides to rear it's ugly head with a vengeance and add to my problem.
Saturday I get up from the couch. I was ok walking slowly to do whatever I needed to do until I got up to make me something to eat. I get hit hard by dizziness from being sick and a touch of the iron deficiency problems I've been struggling with on and off whenever my T.O.M. show up hard.
I lower myself carefully to the floor, unable to stand up or do much until I eat. My husband looks at me and goes to shower like I'm fine.
Now anyone who knows me will tell you I'm independant and self-reliant and I've always been that way. So I focus on me, trying to breathe and get myself under some control enough to get my food and go back to the living room couch. I'm usually okay, but then I'm not usually hit by both some tough strain of virus AND rough T.O.M... my body usually stops the latter if it can't handle the strain :(
I now think it was the pain/fever meds that thinned my blood a little too much for the flow to stop... but I'm no doctor so it's just a guess.
Food usually helps some, so I try to grab the food up on the counter but I misjudged my ability to handle heavy food dishes and spill the first option (undrained canned corn in a metal pan, thankfully it had just come out of the fridge a moment before I sat down on the floor) all over myself and the floor.
At this point my hands are shaking with strain and humiliation. I grab the bowl of applesauce (option 2) and I manage not to drop it. No utensil, I'm humiliated already, so I won't share details, but I eat it. It isn't much though, just about 1/3 can left over and some's on my clothes now because my hands are shaking.
I manage to grab the hand towel that's nearby and clean some of the mess off me. My pj pants are still soaking up the corn liquid.
My husband finally comes out of the bathroom and says he's ignoring me because "I didn't ask for his help". So... he cleans most of the corn mess and we exchange words and I get angry through the exchange and tell him "FINE! I don't WANT your help!" so he leaves home for the rest of the afternoon. I'm still on the floor, shaking, crying now.
It took me a little over an hour to be able to crawl from there to the bathroom to clean up and from there to bed with pain/fever pills, a sip of water and that little bit of applesauce in me.
I wake up later and eat/drink once I feel better with the help of my 12 year old because my husband's being abnoxous about earlier.
I went to bed again for the night.
Sunday, 5 am. I wake up feeling a bit dehydrated and dizzy but I think I'll be fine because I HAVE to go to the bathroom. I grab a freezy pop/italian ice thing from the freezer quickly on my slow way there. I think I'll be fine after having that.
So I go and flush, but then I get overwhelmed by the anemia and I can't get out. I'm sitting on the side of the tub, forehead against the wall. I'm thinking I'll be okay in a moment and get out, but after 15 minutes I stop thinking I'll be ok. It's time to kick pride and other issues aside. I open the door as best I can and try to call for help, but my lungs aren't working right and a whisper's all I can manage.
I try louder. still nothing.
I wait another 5 minutes, then get the brilliant idea that turning on the tap will be loud enough to wake someone up and I thank God for a tiny bathroom. I raise my arm (a struggle at this point because I'm really anemic) and turn on the sink's tap. I figure it should help with the rest of the dehydration, too. My forehead's starting to hurt because I've been leaning on the wall for a long time now. The tap's on. I'm struggling to get water on my face, the back of my neck, in my mouth, on my arms. It doesn't wake anyone up.
I turn it off. It's not helping as much as I was hoping.
That's when I know it's anemia (lack of red bloodcells and oxygen to muscles) and not just dehydration. I cough and my forehead hurts more and it feels like the freezy pop/water I got in me is going to come back up so I shift the garbage can under my face cuz my arm's pretty much all I can move.
Then I remember my flashlight's one of those emergency blue neon lights you can make it flash if you're lost as a signal.
I turn it on and shove it outside of the bathroom door, figuring it's dark inside and outside, so at least one of my neighbors will see the flashing light and call the cops to investigate...NOPE. Nothing.
So then I shift stuff from the side of the sink and tub to make noise and that finally brings my husband who ends up making me work on the request for a while before he decides to help me. My skull's feeling like it's going to explode from being pressed against the wall tiles for over 30 minutes by now. I ask my husband to help me up, but he doesn't seem to get that I can't support my own weight and he ends up hurting me, then not supporting my wiehgt.
I end up sitting on the kitchen floor again. I'm griiting my teeth thinking I'm going to bee stuck there again until I feel ok enough to move, but with a lot of arguing why and repeated requests, I finally get some cereal in a bowl and a cup of water.
(at least cereal has iron in it). I eat half of what I got and sip some water. He puts the stuff away, gives me (at my request) two pain killers (acetaminophen) and finally helps me to my feet about 15 minutes later (when I feel strong enough to make it myself to bed because he already hurt me earlier while only sort of helping). After more sleep I finally felt better enough to take care of myself although every cough now resonates so bad in my skull where my forhead had been against the wall for so long it hurts.
Monday was much better for me (still dizzy but I dealt with the anemia at least). But I was still expected to get my son on his bus.
Then my husband was supposed to get me cough meds (I've been doing with just the fever/pain meds all weekend) but he didn't. Now there's no money until Thursday (3 more days) so I still have to go without the proper meds.
Then tonight, I find an email that makes me think he's cheating on me (gee, wouldn't that be a surprise! He's denied obvious proof before and denies this too). Explains the "sweet" behavior of the past couple days...
not buying it. So I took this public to our friends on FB cuz I'm sick of pretending like he's the great husband he pretends to be (he's all about his own appearance. My son told our neighbors how little time he spent with him and I mentioned it a week later and all of a sudden he could have won father of the year award... until we moved and have new neighbors who don't know this stuff. Now he was still a good father for a few weeks but that went away quick. Now he's ignoring everyone and focusing on online stuff... movie watching mostly... but he still pretends to be the great father.
But I've posted my proof and it either gets me help or it gets me out, either way... big change is coming...
not the kind I like but I'll fight him tooth and nails in court if I have to!!!
He has no idea how strong I can be. He still sees me as a young, gullable idiot who fell for his sweet talk and empty promises. But he's never seen me use all of my inner-strength before.
It's all I had to crawl around with this weekend and it's all that kept me on my feet after that.
I'm going to do what I need to do.
I never wanted any of it to be like this, but I'll keep on doing the best I can. I've always done my best to make this work out but I was doing it alone. My first thought will always be the well-being of my son. He's my #1 priority! And his father is neither a good example to him nor is he fit to have custody since I've done everything myself the past 12 years while he ran away from responsibilities and viewed us both as a problem and sticks in his wheels :(
So be it!
I'll do what I have to to take care of myself and my son and see we have a bright future! I'm not dealing with the crap of the man who lied to me from day 1 and manipulated everyone around him into thinking he was all that while I was the B#$^^%&ch who nagged for no reason anymore!
I wish he would have been honest, it would have saved all 3 of us plenty of grief and lost years, but he's exactly that: a thief. He takes and never gives if he can help it and I'm sick of being drained dry. Empty promises, lies, manipulations. He's a smooth talker, and I hope to see him stay stuck in the mess he made. Maybe he'll learn it's not okay to act like that.
we'll see where the past couple of days' choices will get us...
So he cooks chicken... but it's still half raw and he says to me it's not. And he asked me how to cook it, but then did everything he could to avoid my advice... so I'm not giving him advice anymore...
Have you ever lived with someone who refuses a fact/truth just because it came out of your mouth? Someone who would accept this same fact as fact from anyone else, but because it comes from you, he/she rejects it thoroughly??
Like they've made it their personal mission to disagree with you no matter what?? Even when what you say is common sense??
I'm starting to think that's what my husband has decided to do...
because the more time passes, the more he repeats this behavior with so many things...
I'm just wondering why he married me?? Was it because he wanted someone to be the enemy? Did he need someone to be his scape goat? or is it just that I won't go for all his bull anymore???
From day 1 he's treated me like the enemy and turned it around saying I'm the one who nagged and made his life H$%*(#$... and I want to know, if that's the case, WHY did he marry me? WHY isn't he getting a divorce and claims he loves me but acts everything but??
I guess I will never understand some ppl.
Like money... he's done everything over the years to show me he has all the control... then his mother tells him to give me his paycheck and that I should handle the money... (amazing, coming from her) and so he does... but then he bullies his way into getting what he wants regardless of the wellfare of the family. But if I put my foot down, I'm the B%^*&&* he has to go cry to his mother with some half-truth and half-lie to get the money from her... and so she'll get on my case...
and that only goes so far, so he turns that around again and tries to restore his original standing (from before his mother got involved because now she refuses to indulge him) behind my back.
Except that I'm not having any of it (his previous behavior).
Thus the stupid dance I'm so tired of still going on...
I'm pretty sure it's all about power and getting his way...
the one time we tried getting councelling, he quit because they began to see what he was really like and asked him to work on his behavior... he saw it as them taking my side against him so he found a reason to quit seeing them...
you know it's always a bad sign when after 12 years the significant other still says "my bed, my room, my money, my apartment, my car, my this, my that"... as opposed to "our this, our that"... even as a frequent "slip of the tongue"... it means you've never really been accepted as equal partner...
well, on top of a crappy day trying to explain for the millionth time to him that marriage is not about being selfish and self-centered, that I owe him nothing and he has no right to demand anything from me since he never upheld his part of the marriage...
I now learn I have a family member in the hospital with cancer...
if anyone out there would like to send prayers his way, please go ahead.
I've suspected, though I'm no expert and doctors won't listen to me, that my husband may have boderline personality disorder --which would explain a LOT of the past few years-- in addition to his anxiety and depression problems.
Recently, I've been finding some of my things broken or ruined. I've confronted him (he was the only one in the room by himself before they became broken/ruined. I've taken pictures of said things --things that have no value but sentimental; to me that have nothing to do with him or my son -- and keep track of what and when. He denies being responsible when there is absolutly no one else it could be! So unless my home is haunted and the ghost has a vendetta directly against me (none of my husband's or son's things get broken), then he still lies to me.
The only other option is that he does it and is completely unaware he did it!!! Which isn't entirely impossible because there has been one incident when he ate something a teacher gave our son during the night and said he hadn't known he was eating it. He had only dreamt he was eating it --of course it was gone by morning and our son was upset over it. He's been having trouble dealing with boundaries for a long time.
I know, part of my mind claims it shouldn't matter, that our marriage is already ruined beyond repair and I should let it go, but it still upsets me that he would continue to lie to my face when it's obvious it's a lie :(
Previous Postslife's little curveballs, posted November 27th, 2012
quick update, posted November 26th, 2012
FML..., posted December 15th, 2011
Are you kidding me?!?!?, posted November 8th, 2011, 2 comments
really?!? no, really?!?, posted November 7th, 2011
long story short..., posted October 25th, 2011
pppffftttt..., posted April 30th, 2011
4/4/11 It has come to this..., posted April 5th, 2011
so... have you ever..., posted March 28th, 2011
crappy day all around..., posted March 1st, 2011
~sigh~, posted January 10th, 2011
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